Wrestling with Loneliness

Note: This entry is based in part on a column I wrote for the Valley Courier.

It seems that I've spent a lot of time in my life wrestling with loneliness. Even when I'm not feeling lonely, I worry about it. The strange thing is that it's not really a fear of being alone. I've been single for a long time, and sometimes I actually enjoy my peaceful solitude without being lonely. And sometimes I can be in the middle of a crowd of people and still feel lonely.

Loneliness can be overwhelming. Many years ago, I read Centennial by James Michener. In it, he tells how early settlers referred to loneliness as being like a raging elephant that strikes terror in our hearts. In fact, many early settlers could not stand the vast emptiness of the wilderness and were driven back “to civilization” because they could not overcome the despair of their loneliness.

While they are entirely different emotions, loneliness can be acerbated by feelings of anxiety, depression, loss and shame. Human beings are social creatures, and we are taught that it is important to be accepted and liked by others, so when we feel as though we are alone in the world, we often believe that it’s because there is something wrong with us.  

Sometimes we feel anxious about meeting new people because we fear they will reject us, or we may feel guilty because we have friends and family nearby, but we still feel as though there’s something missing in our lives. Personally, I even worry that people will sense my desperation and pity me.

One of the ironies I've discovered is that we are not alone when it comes to feeling lonely. Everyone experiences it at some point in their lives, and about one third of the American population struggles with constant feelings of loneliness.

So we will try a lot of different things to avoid being alone. Sometimes people will try to change who they are in order to be accepted by others, and in doing so, discover that it’s possible to feel lonely even when you are with someone.

Others remain in abusive relationships because that seems better than facing the possibility of being alone.

We may even believe that the answer lies in being with that one person who will make us feel loved and fulfilled, but all that really accomplishes is to place the burden of our happiness on someone else’s shoulders. 

I'm discovering that there are some things that may help deal with loneliness. Being active can help; listening to music or reading a good book may help as well. And it does help to become involved in things that interest us – to feel that we are in good company even though we may be alone.

However, researchers have found that being honest and sharing our feelings with others is the most effective way to deal with our loneliness.

Of course, it’s important that the people we share our feelings with listen, understand, and accept our honesty. They need to know we don’t want them to “fix us” by filling the emptiness within us, or even worse, trying to find someone else for us to be with. It just helps to admit what we are feeling and realize it’s okay to feel that way.

Orson Welles once said, “We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion that we’re not alone.” And maybe it’s more than an illusion.