Reflections on Love

I just began reading Paulo Coelho's By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, and I'm struck by the depth of his understanding and the skill with which he expresses himself. I'll be reading along, entranced by the story, and then suddenly something he writes will leap from the page and make me stop and reflect. He is a new "favorite writer." I've just finished reading The Alchemist, and wanted to read more of his work.

For a couple of years now, I’ve been wrestling with a question that I haven’t even been able to find the words to express. When I started reading Coelho’s book, I began to feel I'd find the answer, or at least a way to express the question. Already, the thoughts and questions that have been swirling around in my heart are beginning to take form.

What happens if you love someone completely, truly, and with all your heart -- but that person is unable to return your feelings, or if they do, their love for you takes a different form? I've always wanted to believe that true love wins out, but experience has taught me that is not always how it goes -- in fact, it is rare when it does happen. I am a good person, and I know that I deserve to be loved. In fact, I know there are a lot of people who truly and deeply love me – it’s just not in “that way.”

Coelho’s book is a love story, but it's unlike any love story that I've read before. He explores the spiritual aspects of love -- "The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience," he writes. He talks about how sometimes we try to define love, but it cannot be clearly defined because in each instance, it is different -- and it is always changing. It grows when we accept it for what it is and allow our spirits to grow with it, and it withers when we try to direct it. "We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules," Coelho writes. "But ultimately, there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth."

This is the source of my fear when it comes to giving my love. What if I love completely and without reservation, and that love is not returned? Even worse, what if it is returned, but not in the way that I am hoping for – What if my love causes pain for the other person because they are unable to return it?

And I am terrified that there will come a day when I, once again, have to face the inevitability of losing the person I love -- that I will once again have to accept the reality that, no matter how much we love, we can't force another to return those feelings. And sometimes good people are left alone and lonely.

In the Introduction of the book, Coelho writes, "True love is an act of total surrender," and when I read those words, a wave of fear washed over me. That's when I knew that I would find the truth I've been looking for, and I wasn't certain that I'm ready to face it.

And now, I think I’m beginning to understand. Love isn't about what we receive -- it's about what we give. Coelho says, "We love because Love sets us free, and we say things that we once never even had the courage to whisper to ourselves."

And it's not necessary to have our love returned to us in order to be freed by it. When we love another completely and unconditionally, their happiness becomes the most important thing for us. Instead of resenting others that may make them happy, we truly celebrate their joy.

Of course, it does hurt when we give love without receiving it in return, or we see someone we love find happiness in another’s arms, but even that pain is part of the experience that frees us. Once we accept it, even the pain reminds us that we are alive and experiencing the greatest of all of the emotions.

A mother's love gives her the strength to sacrifice everything for the well-being of her child. It was through the pure love of God that Christ sacrificed himself for us.

When we open ourselves to the possibilities of our love -- when we surrender completely to it -- our spirits are set free. And if we are very, very fortunate, the person we are giving our love to will find a way to surrender to their love for us -- and both spirits will soar in the freedom of that love. But, it has to be experienced -- not feared. It has to be left free to grow in whichever direction it may take, not forced along a path that is not natural for it.

And, if in the end, the other person is unable to return it or give in to it completely, it has still brought the life and joy of being complete.