Finding My True Self

My greatest mistakes were made when I lost sight of my true self. It happened gradually, and I had to reach a point in my life where I could look back without getting caught up in my darkness of my shame before I could see where I went wrong.

I chose a life of service to others, which is not a bad thing. Unfortunately, I got so caught up in serving others that I lost sight of the reasons for what I was doing. Without realizing it, I began to accept the direction that others set for me.

I’ve always wanted to be a teacher, and I worked hard to get my Masters so that I could teach at the college level. I majored in English because I believe that helping others understand the power of words would help empower them to find their true selves – to stand up and work for themselves.

When I graduated, I began working as a “professional part-time instructor.” There simply aren’t enough full-time  positions for the number of talented and skilled teachers available. Life became a struggle for me; it’s difficult to earn enough money to get by as a regular teacher, and even more so as a part-timer. Tenured faculty are more highly-valued than part-time faculty and receive more benefits. Getting tenure became my focus, and I began to lose sight of the real reason I became a teacher – I began to lose sight of myself.

I believe that, if life is not what we want it to be, we need to do something to change it. After years of struggling to survive in a system where more than 80% of the classes are taught by part-time faculty, I decided it was time to do something to change it, and I became active in my union.

Soon, I became so involved in trying to make things better that I no longer even worried about my own needs and desires. Everyone around me either praised me for the work I was doing, or they attacked me for it. I felt that those who attacked me were part of the problem, so even their criticism spurred me to work harder to accomplish what I was working for.

What I didn’t see was that I had now completely lost sight of the person I am. I am a teacher, but that is only part of what I am. I do believe in working to improve the world around us, but that is only part of what I am.

We are not defined by our actions, and our actions should be guided by who we are. Unfortunately, I began to let the work I was doing define who I was, and once that happened, I became an empty shell. I was convinced that I was happy – after all, wasn’t I doing what I wanted to do?

Loneliness is a horrible thing to face, and we are loneliest when we lose touch with ourselves. I tried to convince myself that I really wasn’t alone – after all, I had family, friends and colleagues around me most of the time. But that emptiness could not be ignored, so I began looking for ways to satisfy that gnawing hunger within me.

“My family, friends and colleagues have lives of their own,” I reasoned. “That is why I spend so much time alone.” I didn’t realize that the loneliness had nothing to do with having people around me – it came from losing myself.

I began looking for ways to avoid that emptiness, and I looked in the wrong places. I became obsessed with gambling – attracted more to the feeling that I was surrounded by people than the excitement of the games. I wasn’t alone at the casino, and there was enough noise to help me ignore the emptiness that was within me.

I tried to become what others wanted me to be because I no longer knew who I was. I fought to get tenure, I fought to make positive changes to the system, I gained the trust of my colleagues, and then I betrayed that trust because of my obsessive gambling.

And I lost everything that I had fought for, but in doing so, I re-discovered my true self.

I didn’t do it alone. My family knows who I truly am, and they stood by me. A few of my friends and colleagues found it in their hearts to forgive me even before I was able to forgive myself.

But, my best friend is the one who held up the light for me. She led me through my darkness and helped me find the path to discovering my true self. She helped me overcome my fear of facing the truth and I discovered its beauty.

It wasn’t easy to let go of the illusions I had created, but I had to in order to find the truth of who and what I am. It wasn’t easy to let go of the burden of guilt that I carried, but I couldn’t move on until I found a way to forgive myself.

There are those who haven’t forgiven me, and I understand. They resent the happiness I have found because they feel I haven’t suffered enough, and sometimes they try to bring me back down. But I have found my true self, and I’m growing to know and love myself more and more each day.

My actions do not define who I am. I will not – I cannot let my past mistakes define who I am.

My true self is now in control of my actions, and while I still make mistakes, they are made in an effort to better understand who I am – and they are a lot easier to live with. It may seem that I am still alone, and there are times when waves of loneliness sweep over me and carry me into my darkness, but I can always find my way back because now I know myself better. Besides, my best friend is still holding the light for me when I need to find my way.

My first book has just been published, and it marks the beginning of a new life for me. I am still teaching, but I have re-discovered my purpose in doing so. I still strive to make the world a better place, but that is my purpose – not seeking the approval of others.

Reflections on Love

I just began reading Paulo Coelho's By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, and I'm struck by the depth of his understanding and the skill with which he expresses himself. I'll be reading along, entranced by the story, and then suddenly something he writes will leap from the page and make me stop and reflect. He is a new "favorite writer." I've just finished reading The Alchemist, and wanted to read more of his work.

For a couple of years now, I’ve been wrestling with a question that I haven’t even been able to find the words to express. When I started reading Coelho’s book, I began to feel I'd find the answer, or at least a way to express the question. Already, the thoughts and questions that have been swirling around in my heart are beginning to take form.

What happens if you love someone completely, truly, and with all your heart -- but that person is unable to return your feelings, or if they do, their love for you takes a different form? I've always wanted to believe that true love wins out, but experience has taught me that is not always how it goes -- in fact, it is rare when it does happen. I am a good person, and I know that I deserve to be loved. In fact, I know there are a lot of people who truly and deeply love me – it’s just not in “that way.”

Coelho’s book is a love story, but it's unlike any love story that I've read before. He explores the spiritual aspects of love -- "The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience," he writes. He talks about how sometimes we try to define love, but it cannot be clearly defined because in each instance, it is different -- and it is always changing. It grows when we accept it for what it is and allow our spirits to grow with it, and it withers when we try to direct it. "We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules," Coelho writes. "But ultimately, there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth."

This is the source of my fear when it comes to giving my love. What if I love completely and without reservation, and that love is not returned? Even worse, what if it is returned, but not in the way that I am hoping for – What if my love causes pain for the other person because they are unable to return it?

And I am terrified that there will come a day when I, once again, have to face the inevitability of losing the person I love -- that I will once again have to accept the reality that, no matter how much we love, we can't force another to return those feelings. And sometimes good people are left alone and lonely.

In the Introduction of the book, Coelho writes, "True love is an act of total surrender," and when I read those words, a wave of fear washed over me. That's when I knew that I would find the truth I've been looking for, and I wasn't certain that I'm ready to face it.

And now, I think I’m beginning to understand. Love isn't about what we receive -- it's about what we give. Coelho says, "We love because Love sets us free, and we say things that we once never even had the courage to whisper to ourselves."

And it's not necessary to have our love returned to us in order to be freed by it. When we love another completely and unconditionally, their happiness becomes the most important thing for us. Instead of resenting others that may make them happy, we truly celebrate their joy.

Of course, it does hurt when we give love without receiving it in return, or we see someone we love find happiness in another’s arms, but even that pain is part of the experience that frees us. Once we accept it, even the pain reminds us that we are alive and experiencing the greatest of all of the emotions.

A mother's love gives her the strength to sacrifice everything for the well-being of her child. It was through the pure love of God that Christ sacrificed himself for us.

When we open ourselves to the possibilities of our love -- when we surrender completely to it -- our spirits are set free. And if we are very, very fortunate, the person we are giving our love to will find a way to surrender to their love for us -- and both spirits will soar in the freedom of that love. But, it has to be experienced -- not feared. It has to be left free to grow in whichever direction it may take, not forced along a path that is not natural for it.

And, if in the end, the other person is unable to return it or give in to it completely, it has still brought the life and joy of being complete.