Coming Home

I returned to live in the San Luis Valley of southern Colorado last June, and while I have enjoyed most of the places I’ve lived, it feels great to be back home again. I left more than twenty years ago to earn my MA in English. After a short stint as an assistant manager at a large travel stop, I began my teaching career, and for more than seventeen years, I struggled to survive as a “professional part-time instructor” before landing a full-time faculty position. A lot of people are shocked to learn that more than 80 percent of college classes are taught by adjunct, or part-time, instructors, and the competition for full-time positions can take an excruciating toll. Finally, after a career that spanned three states and included teaching for seven institutions of higher learning, I landed a position as a full-time, tenure-track instructor. I felt this was the culmination of my hopes and dreams. The tenure process is much more grueling than most people realize. While each state and institution has its own set of guidelines, they all strive to assure that those who are granted tenure will maintain high standards of learning. In my case, I worked with a committee comprised of three faculty members (one from our division, one selected by the union, and one that I chose), an administrator, and a student. For three years, they observed my classes, conducted student evaluations, and offered constructive criticism and guidance. Unfortunately, in spite of my tenure committee’s unanimous recommendation that I be granted tenure, the school’s Board of Trustees rejected my application and gave me an additional year to work on an improvement plan. That’s when my world began to collapse. I had to face a gambling problem and some terrible choices that I made to support that habit. That January, I almost lost both of my parents and flew back to Colorado so that I could spend what I thought were their last days with them.   The timing couldn’t have been worse. I left at the same time my tenure committee was scheduled to make their final recommendation, but my family came first. Fortunately, my parents were stubborn enough to pull through and are doing fine, but a few weeks after I returned, I was given the choice between resigning or having my tenure application rejected. My best friend, Diane, saw my struggles and took me to a ranch where she was taking riding lessons. On that first day, I simply helped lead the horses from their pastures to their stables and watched Diane as she rode, but being near the horses fed a part of my soul that I had ignored for too long. I went back to the ranch a week later and paid for a private lesson. As soon as I sat in the saddle, everything became clear to me. It had been more than 20 years since I had been on a horse, and I had forgotten the feeling that I get when I’m in the saddle. For years, I had believed that my life was complete and that I had everything I wanted, but when I sat in the saddle that day, I realized that I had become so caught up in my day-to-day life that I had somehow lost sight of who I am. I no longer knew what I wanted out of life. I realized that I needed to be in a place where I could have a horse beneath me and the Rockies at my back, and I decided it was time for me to return to my roots and to find my real, authentic self.   It was hard to leave Seattle. I had made a lot of friends, and all three of my daughters, as well as my two granddaughters, live in Washington State. At that time, I believed it would mean an end to my career as a teacher, and I was afraid that it meant walking away from a relationship that had become very important to me, but I knew it was a move I had to make.   I have had some critics say that I was running away from my problems and not facing up to the mistakes I had made, but I felt like I was moving toward my future. To many people, it seemed that once I made the decision, things just fell into place for me. The fact is that the huge issues and problems I had been dealing with didn’t simply disappear, but I realized that nothing would change unless I did things differently. I worked to the end of my contract and used that time to gain a better understanding of who I am and what I want to accomplish with my life. My sister helped me find the cabin I now live in, so I had a place to go. I brought only the possessions I could get into my van, and when I got to Colorado, I started building a new life from scratch. The first thing I did was to get ready for a horse. I began looking for a place to keep him. I heard that feed is pretty scarce this year, so I bought enough hay and oats to feed two horses for a year. A few people felt it was strange that I bought feed and found a place to keep a horse when I didn’t even own one, but I didn’t want to own a horse and not be able to take care of it. Now I begin my day sitting next to the river and enjoying the peaceful sounds of the morning. I spend as much time in the saddle as I possibly can, and I get to see my parents often. I’m currently teaching for Adams State University, and in a few months, Abbott Press will be publishing a collection of my poems and columns. I plan to follow that with a novel that I’m working on. And my best friend is still an important part of my life.   I’ve re-discovered myself, and I’m getting to know myself better every day. It feels good to be home again.